I am in such a reflective state these days as we count down to the arrival of our daughter. We have less than six weeks until our due date. Six weeks! It's all I can do to reign my heart in at times right now. And my heart is all over the place. Just listen.
I'm so excited I can't sleep. I lie awake dreaming of who this girl will be, how much we are going to love her, and of course how much I have left to do before she arrives. As I go through the clothing that has been passed down to us for her, I cannot believe we will have a beautiful little girl running around our house wearing them! As I organize her room I lose my breath as I picture her swaddled and sleeping in her crib. As the boys talk about their sister I am in awe of how much they already seem to love her and how many plans they already have for her life. I am so ready to know and hold and nurse and kiss her it's driving me crazy!
At the same time, I find myself staring at Sam and Ben as they talk or play or think or sleep and I realize that I'm trying desperately to freeze who they are right now in my mind. I know that in the months ahead, when life changes dramatically... they will also change. I remember it happening to Sam when Ben was born. I'm not referring to the transition that all older siblings go through as they learn to share their parents. I'm remembering how all of a sudden, Sam grew up a little bit faster. His personality grew older and he just...changed a little bit. This time, Sam will grow quickly in front of me as he takes on the role of oldest brother. Ben will go through the transition from "our baby" to a big brother. Their relationship as brothers will evolve and grow as well. And I know all of these things are completely natural and totally positive. I know that. But still. The life that I love and treasure so much right now...will change. That part breaks my heart a little. I'm so very excited and yet a bit melancholy at the same time about all of this. Do I make sense?
Really what I think about the most is life with my best friend, two of the coolest boys ever and their little sister. I just feel so rich. I feel rich in love with Jonathan. Rich in love with my babies. Rich in expectation. Rich in faith in the One who sees my days before I do and promises to hold me through them. I am rich and today I know that.
Now the thoughts that probably won't makes sense to anyone are the ones that show how insane I can become about my role as a mom.
I will now be a mother of three. I only have two hands. How can I hold all three of their hands as we cross the street?
How in the heck will I get groceries and errands done once I can't wear the baby? Especially Target. Oh Target I love you and I hate you.
Our sweet neighbor girl came over the other night after her first dance. She's twelve. Will our daughter go to a dance when she's twelve??? I just don't think I'm ready for that.
What if she doesn't marry someone as amazing as her dad? How will I ever love that guy the way I should as his mother-in-law?
And finally...I'm almost positive I've worked out the best way to get two of my children out of our van if for some reason... we are on the 520-Bridge when THE BIG ONE hits and we all go over into the water. But three?????
My mind just won't quit.
