Saturday, March 17, 2012

Eleven Years

...dance parties with our boys after dinner. 
...the overnight hike when we both thought we just might die up there. 
...our first moments with all three of our sweet babies. 
...the day you brought Ginger home to me. 
...all of the swear words uttered as we remodeled two houses. 
...the two hours in Chicago that I thought you had been mugged and killed.
...all of the nights you have comforted me after nightmares. 
...Paris. 
...the day you threw the bifold closet doors out the front door onto the lawn and swore you'd never install them again. 
...the night of 9/11. 
...that dinner at The Brooklyn.
...the trip to the ER with Ben when he was four months old. 
...weeks at Young Life camps with kids we loved together. 
...our 600 square foot house on Finn Hill.
...the weekends spent with our nieces and nephews before we had our own babies. 
...the road trip to California and up the coast.
...the hike when you realized for the first time JUST HOW terrified I am of snakes.
...the unexpected day spent in San Francisco. 
...the facial that sent you into a full blown panic attack.
...all of the nights that we've hosted parties at our house while we've hidden away in the nursery...loving on our babies...perfectly content to miss out on the fun. 
...the day we spent $700 to save Gus's life. 
...the way you told our parents that we were pregnant with Sam. 
...that awful night in London. 
...countless nights of being up together with sick kids.
...the day we sobbed our goodbyes to Ginger on the floor of the vet's office together.
...everytime we try not to laugh at something the boys are doing. 
...our sweet baby bubbles that have surrounded us after the births of all three. 
...the THREE MONTHS living in Northern Ireland.
...the day you asked my dad to go to Men's Weekend at Malibu. 
...my first Mother's Day. 
...all of the wrestling matches you have with the boys. 
...the fight we had over spray butter. 
...the gazillion times we've watched A Few Good Men. 
...Howth, Ireland.
...the Christmas Eve that we laid in bed and watched The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. 
...the look on your face when we pulled four-month-old Sam out of the car only to realize he hadn't been buckled in his carseat. 
...the late night we realized that hot water had been spewing out from a broken pipe under our house for over a week.
...the celebratory "WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO" you shouted out the front door the night our first African American president was elected. 
...the family meeting we had to tell the boys they were going to be big brothers. 
...our adorable flat in Belfast. 

...the way you love the boys.
...the way you love Maria.
...the way you love me.

Eleven years Babe.  Thank you.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Deep Thoughts by Ben

Ben is three-and-a-half going on six.  Our "middle child".  Our sweet preschooler who owns most of the same expectations as his kindergarten brother, but hardly ever gets (or takes) the credit for being as mature, responsible, self-sufficient, flexible and down right cool as he is.  It's so easy to forget how young he is because he rallies with the big boys so successfully.
This is the boy who about a week before he turned two, told me in his deep, frosty, no-nonsense voice, "I don't wear diapers anymore."  And he never did again.  And he never had an accident.  And he'd lie straight to your face if he actually did because he's way too cool to pee in his pants like a darn baby. 
Anyway, I love moments when I hear his own thoughts come out (usually without any context that we are aware of) and I can see and hear him for the little boy that he is.

Most of these quotes come from the backseat of our van when it has gotten all too quiet:
 
Mom! Chickens are wild aminals.  Mom! Bad guys catch good guys but police officers catch bad guys.  Mom! Did you hear me burp?  "No." Then I don't have to say 'Excuse me.'   Mom! Dolphins are blue and white.  Mom! Some boys have long hair.  Mom! Football players have moms too.  Mom! Every girl has a purse.  Mom! Maria can't eat donuts.  Mom! I'll get everyone who is bad sick.  Mom do basketball players ever wear their basketball shoes at the table?  Mom! Do you know why monster trucks say 'trucks' at the end?  Cause they're a kind of truck.  I won't lick babies.  Hey Dad!  You can't ride a turtle.   Mom! Every girl is a wife.    Mom! Dad is your father.  Mom! Rocks don't float on water.  They sink.  Mom! Who nursed Grampa Mark when he was a baby?  Mom! Moose's antlers are part of their bodies.  Mom!  How old will I be when I'm a dad?  Mom! Maybe Leprechans will come here... They're so fast. 

"I am a champion all by myself."
Benjamin 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Boys Meet Girl

A couple of weeks ago I had to break some "bad" news to Sam and Ben.  They were light heartedly arguing over which one of them was going to marry Maria when they grow up.  Maria is their three-month-old sister.  Some day this will be repulsive to them.  However for now, its a horrible injustice that marrying your sister is illegal. 
"It's ILLEGAL?!!" they both say to me in unison with gigantic eyes and expressions of total shock and disgust with our legal system. 
"Yes," I say matter of factly. 
"Well we'll just lie about it then!" Sam yells through laughter as he runs out of the room.
"Yeah!  We'll LIE!" Ben squeals as he follows Sam to whatever they do while I'm tied up changing another diaper.

Let's just say...they love her.  A lot. 



We knew they were going to love her.  We even knew that their love for her would look different between the two of them.  And it really does. 

When Ben was a baby I remember Sam holding him and saying to me, "I love him so much I want to laugh my head off."  I totally identified with that crazy kind of love.  That's how Ben loves Maria right now.  He has such an intense nervous energy around her that sometimes she actually flinches a little when she knows he's coming.  He gets up close to her and says "Maria I LOVE you!" "Maria you're GOOD!" "Maria I'm your big BRUDDER!" in such a sweet... and somewhat maniacal way.  His kisses leave a slimy wet mess on her head and sometimes I think they just might bruise her.  He talks to her as if she actually understands what he's saying.  "Maria watch this... Did you see that Maria?"  Ben's love for her is obvious.  But it's also very obvious that he can't wait for her to grow older and be big enough to play.  I can't wait to watch that! 



Sam is another story.  I have a prediction that Maria will do no wrong in his eyes for the rest of their lives.  Here's an example of how that plays out right now:
If you know Sam, you know that he HATES messes.  He needs a wash cloth at the table while he eats so that his hands and mouth are never messy.  He actually buzzes around the house to clean up toys that are left out so that there isn't anything in his way to play something else.  Kitchen cabinet doors left open drive him crazy.  BUT...  Maria puked on him this morning and he laughed about it.  Really.  Ben (my Tazmanian Devil) is sent into hysterics over spit up landing on him but Sam (my perfectionist) actually thought it was endearing. 
His linear, scheduled world will screech to a halt for a chance to hold and snuggle her.  When we drop him off at Kindergarten he makes sure to kiss her goodbye.  When we pick him up, he returns straight to her.  He definitely gets the most smiles and it's clear that she trusts him.  There is a sweetness about his love for her and pride in her that I could not have imagined or expected.  And that melts me. 



Let's be real here though.  There are absolutely times where I have to tell them both to back the heck off.  As gentle and sweet as they are, sometimes it's just too much.  This poor girl is never going to know the meaning of "personal space".  I myself am fighting for those two precious words daily.  Especially when I'm nursing Maria.  The boys see nothing private or sacred about my space in these moments.  Why should they?  It happens every 2-3 hours, all day, every day where ever we are.  It's such a normal fact of life to them and I'm so thankful for that.  But it's hardly the time that I want them climbing all over me to get down close and smooch her on the cheeks.  That's my no-fly-zone thank you very much.  
At times their desire to be close to her and snuggle her becomes all too selfish and I need to drop the hammer.  Fights break out over who gets to be closer to her, who gets to hold her, who held her last, longer or better.  She is often reduced to the likeness of a puppy. 

Life and love in this house are far from perfect but all things considered, we are thrilled with how well Sam and Ben have received Maria into their lives!




Although I've shared with the boys that it's illegal to marry their sister, the subject hasn't altogether gone away.  Yesterday they declared that when they grow up they will have a lightsaber battle to decide which one of them gets to marry her.  I tried not to shoot down the idea entirely and suggested that they have a battle with whomever wants to marry her someday.  I was clear that this guy will have to battle both of them and Jonathan.  I truly think that the idea of them one day letting another male into our family to love Maria was too much for them to handle and the conversation just ended.

I am absolutely going to bring lightsabers to the rehearsal dinner of her wedding some day.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Scattered

Oh it feels good to kiss her ears.  That diaper pail stinks.  Will his cough ever go away?  She is such a beautiful baby.  When did I feed her last?  I'm hungry.  Did I lock the front door?  I love how well they play together.  Didn't I open a Diet Coke?  Just fall asleep child.  How long has it been since I clipped his toe-nails?  Oh my gosh his ears are so dirty!  Do we still have a cat?  Yes...we do.  Does Ben seem lost?  I need to snuggle him more.  My windows are so dirty I want to throw a brick through them.  She's awake again.  Oh shoot I haven't written that Thank You note.  Or sent that check.  That's... puke in my hair.  I need to call my sister.  I'm a bad sister.  Did I put nursing pads in before I left?  Her eyes sparkle.  Geeze he feels heavy today!  I need to wipe his face.  Oooh when I sit this way I can feel my jelly roll.  Don't sit that way Beck.  Have they watched any t.v. yet today?  Those hiccups sound like they hurt.  Sam is so darn sweet with her.  How can buns so little pack such a punch??  When did I nurse her last?  What is so sticky on the floor?  Why can't they just get along?!  I'm hungry.  I need to eat something.  Shoot!  I never got back to her.  I'm a bad friend.  I wish I could take a nap.  Do they know how much I love them?I think this is one of those things that causes cancer.  I'll fold that laundry tonight after they go to bed.  Jonathan will help.  Why is he so sassy lately?  I'm not reading to the boys enough.  Sam's birthday is coming up and I'm not ready.  Six more hours until J gets home.  Wow, I just totally overreacted.  How old am I?  Please God make her sleep longer than 10 minutes.  I think I've worn these pants every day this week.  I'm going to bed at eight tonight no matter what.  I need to remember to empty that diaper pail. I think my thighs might be rubbing together.  I'm going to excercise somehow tomorrow.  These poor boys have seen more boob than Hugh Hefner on his best day.  There's my coffee cup!  She's been sleeping a long time.  I need to check if she's breathing.  Ben is so cute when he skips.  Like a little Leprechan.  Three more hours til J gets home.  What in the heck is so sticky on the floor??!  Hopefully the boys never ask where that went.  I'll lie.  Oh great, now his cough is back.  She must be hungry.  I wonder what he's thinking right now.  What day is it?  Her smile is amazing.  I think she's prettier today than yesterday.  Please don't puke.  Please don't puke.  Please don't puke.  Really??!!!  Oh isn't that nice?  The neighbor's cleaning lady just showed up.  What I wouldn't do...  Where did he hear THAT word?  I'm so tired.  When did I talk to my dad last?  I'm a bad daughter.  Did I really just tell Ben that he needs to grow up?  Good Lord I'm starving!  You'd never know I just swept this morning.  Does he have show and tell tomorrow?  That kid is smarter than me.  Oh my gosh that smells bad!  Did I brush my teeth this morning?  I hope Jonathan's day is going well.  I should have followed through on that one.  A Butterfinger sounds good.  I wonder if I'm going to need to buy a different swim suit this summer.  I should try mine on.  No.  I'm not going to do that.  Oh her yawn is so precious.  What am I going to do for dinner?  Oh my gosh I've got to mop this floor.  He's going to no-nap me today isn't he?  What was that sound?  I hope everything is alright up there.  Nobody's crying.  I need to sit up straighter.  Good thing Jonathan is so patient.  I hope they love her this much for the rest of her life.  Is she going to have brown or blue eyes?  Crap.  Ben's crying.  His voice is so cute.  If one more person asks how I'm sleeping...  Pretty sure he just coughed into the back of my throat.  One more hour til Jonathan comes home.  That bread is really dry no wonder they didn't eat their sandwiches.  Did we pay the preschool?  Her sneeze is adorable.  I hope our neighbors didn't just see that.  Poor them.  I have GOT to eat something before I hurt someone!  I still haven't made that dentist appointment.  I wonder if he's ready for me to wipe him yet.  We need to go on a date.  That doesn't look right.    I think that's the most annoying sound I've ever heard.  Oh yeah, dinner.  Shoot. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Waiting

I am in such a reflective state these days as we count down to the arrival of our daughter.  We have less than six weeks until our due date.  Six weeks!  It's all I can do to reign my heart in at times right now.  And my heart is all over the place.  Just listen.

I'm so excited I can't sleep.  I lie awake dreaming of who this girl will be, how much we are going to love her, and of course how much I have left to do before she arrives.  As I go through the clothing that has been passed down to us for her, I cannot believe we will have a beautiful little girl running around our house wearing them!  As I organize her room I lose my breath as I picture her swaddled and sleeping in her crib.  As the boys talk about their sister I am in awe of how much they already seem to love her and how many plans they already have for her life.  I am so ready to know and hold and nurse and kiss her it's driving me crazy!

At the same time, I find myself staring at Sam and Ben as they talk or play or think or sleep and I realize that I'm trying desperately to freeze who they are right now in my mind. I know that in the months ahead, when life changes dramatically... they will also change.  I remember it happening to Sam when Ben was born.  I'm not referring to the transition that all older siblings go through as they learn to share their parents.  I'm remembering how all of a sudden, Sam grew up a little bit faster.  His personality grew older and he just...changed a little bit.  This time, Sam will grow quickly in front of me as he takes on the role of oldest brother. Ben will go through the transition from "our baby" to a big brother.  Their relationship as brothers will evolve and grow as well.  And I know all of these things are completely natural and totally positive.  I know that.  But still.  The life that I love and treasure so much right now...will change.  That part breaks my heart a little.  I'm so very excited and yet a bit melancholy at the same time about all of this.  Do I make sense?

Really what I think about the most is life with my best friend, two of the coolest boys ever and their little sister.  I just feel so rich.  I feel rich in love with Jonathan.  Rich in love with my babies.  Rich in expectation.  Rich in faith in the One who sees my days before I do and promises to hold me through them.  I am rich and today I know that. 

Now the thoughts that probably won't makes sense to anyone are the ones that show how insane I can become about my role as a mom. 

I will now be a mother of three.  I only have two hands.  How can I hold all three of their hands as we cross the street?

How in the heck will I get groceries and errands done once I can't wear the baby?  Especially Target.  Oh Target I love you and I hate you. 

Our sweet neighbor girl came over the other night after her first dance.  She's twelve.  Will our daughter go to a dance when she's twelve???  I just don't think I'm ready for that. 

What if she doesn't marry someone as amazing as her dad?  How will I ever love that guy the way I should as his mother-in-law?

And finally...I'm almost positive I've worked out the best way to get two of my children out of our van if for some reason... we are on the 520-Bridge when THE BIG ONE hits and we all go over into the water.  But three?????

My mind just won't quit. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

Defeated

They laughed at me. Both of them. Laughing.

I'm already completely exhausted by our family trip to Home Depot.  That experience in itself should have been my cue to hand the boys over to Jonathan for the rest of the night.  But no. 

I start the tub for the boys and then go to finish the dinner dishes we had left. After hearing evil laughter and a comment about the "toilet tub" I head into the bathroom to see the boys sitting in the tub with guilty little grins on their faces.
It takes no time to figure out that they stood side by side, outside of the tub, TWO FEET FROM THE TOILET and peed into the tub while it was filling up!  Did I mention they were two feet from the toilet?

If they weren't absolutely filthy from the day and in desperate need of bathing, the appropriate consequence would have been to take bath time away for the night.  (Don't worry.  Jonathan let me know that that's what HE would have done after all of this was over.)  Instead I drain the tub with them in it, refill it and take away pre-bed book time... as if all of this nonsense is digging into our bedtime routine and something has to go.  Natural consequences?  Well...it was logical to me in the moment.

Bath time is filled with more clowning and when the splashing becomes entirely too much I get them out and say very clearly, "Do not leave the bathroom.  We are brushing teeth and heading straight upstairs for bed."

This is Ben's cue to bolt out the door cackling and squealing.  He clearly isn't sensing how close I am to sending both of them up the Omo River in Ethiopia today.
Sam stays put but roars with laughter at his brave little brother, which of course just feeds Ben's budding ego.

Now...I don't spank often. I hardly ever have to. Really.  But this deliberate disobedience combined with my total lack of anything redeeming left in my bag of tricks is just the last straw for the day.

I say in my firmest voice, "Ben you are getting a spank for disobeying,"
Of course Ben pleads, "Nooo!"
But as I put his bare, little, tan body on my lap and give his adorable white buns a whack... he laughs.
He laughs!!!

THEN! THEN!  From the bathroom Sam yells while cracking up, "Did she just SPANK you Ben?"
Ben bursts back into laughter and calls back "YAH!  She SPANKED ME!" 
They both continue laughing as I sit on the couch in disbelief and a little bit of horror. 

This is the beginning of the end isn't it?  I am going to be their joke.  For the rest of their lives.

I march up the stairs with the boys, finish the routine (sans book) and let them know that I'm not coming back up no matter what.  I come down in somewhat of a stupor and look out the front window to see Jonathan happily chatting it up with three of our neighbors across the street.  They all wave at me and smile.  I gather myself and head out to let them know what the last hour just looked like.

They laugh.  At me. 



Saturday, August 20, 2011

Oh Benjamin

Ben you turned three today.  


I can hardly believe it. 

I believe that you are three. 

I just have a hard time believing that you are MY three year old. 
That God gave you to ME. 

Because I'm in awe of you Ben.


I'm in awe of your spirit.  



I'm in awe of your heart. 


I'm in awe of how darn cute you are. 


And sweet!

Ben I pray that I bless you in your life as much as you bless me in mine. 


Because you BLESS ME!  Oh how you bless me.